The Wellness Post: How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

For many people, being liked feels safer than being authentic. You say yes when you want to say no. You stay quiet when something bothers you. You change your opinions depending on who you are with. You constantly worry about disappointing others, being misunderstood, or being judged. And sometimes, you don't even realize you're doing it. You may simply think, “I am a kind person. I just don't want to hurt anyone.”

But there is a difference between being kind and abandoning yourself to keep others comfortable. People-pleasing often begins with good intentions. You want harmony. You want to be helpful. You want people to feel valued. But when pleasing others becomes your way of securing acceptance, avoiding rejection, or maintaining relationships, it can slowly disconnect you from yourself. In the whole process, you also have to ask you self “What do I need?”.The problem is not that you care about people. The problem begins when you stop caring about yourself in the process.

Why do we become people pleasers?

People-pleasing can develop for many different reasons. Some people grew up learning that being “good,” quiet, obedient, helpful, or accommodating earned them approval. Others may have experienced criticism, rejection, conflict, or unpredictable relationships and learned to carefully monitor other people's moods. Over time, the brain can learn a simple equation: “If I make people happy, I will be accepted”. However, the truth is: You are not responsible for keeping everyone happy.

The hidden cost of always being “Nice”

People-pleasing can look peaceful from the outside, but internally, it can be exhausting. Perhaps one of the most painful consequences is this: people may know the version of you that keeps them comfortable, but not the real you. When your needs, feelings, and opinions are repeatedly suppressed, they can eventually turn into:

• Anxiety
• Anger
• Low self-esteem
• Difficulty in making decisions
• Loss of identity
• Emotional exhaustion
• Unhealthy relationship patterns

How to overcome the habit of people-pleasing

1. Learn to say “no”

One of the most important steps in overcoming people-pleasing is learning to say no. You don't need to give a long explanation. At first, saying no may feel uncomfortable. That doesn't necessarily mean you are doing something wrong. It may simply mean that you are doing something new. You may often feel that your decisions need to be approved by everyone. But your boundaries do not become more valid simply because someone agrees with them. Sometimes:

“I don't want to” is enough.
“That doesn't work for me” is enough.
“I have decided not to” is enough.

2. Learn to tolerate disappointment

You are allowed to have boundaries, even when other people may not like them. This may be one of the hardest lessons for a people-pleaser to learn. You can always ask yourself, “Am I actually doing something wrong?”

3. Stop apologizing for existing

There is nothing wrong with saying “I'm sorry” when you have genuinely hurt someone or made a mistake. But notice how often you apologize for things that don't require an apology. Sometimes, replace “sorry” with something more accurate.

Instead of: “Sorry, I can't help.”

Try: “I appreciate you asking, but I can't take this on right now.”

Instead of: “Sorry for bothering you.”

Try: “Thank you for taking the time to listen.”

You don't need to apologize for having needs, setting boundaries, taking up space, or making choices that are right for you.

Healing from people-pleasing means learning that kindness should include yourself too. You can help others without constantly sacrificing yourself. You can say no and still be a good person. Start small. Pause before saying yes. Listen to your feelings. Practice saying no. Set one boundary. Express one honest opinion.

By Christella ISHIMWE

Psychosocial Support Officer
Mastercard Foundation Scholars Program
University of Rwanda